A Day To Remember
sorry this is late pretend you got it yesterday on January 6th xox
Everyone remembers where they were when Michael Jackson died, but not everyone remembers where they were when my friend Paris got fired from Ruby’s Diner. There are pivotal days in everyone’s life; some are personal, private. Others are public experiences, shared with the rest of the population. Today is one of those days.
One of the most influential people in the world. Style and grace, love em or hate em- either way you can’t look away. Jennifer Shah, the realest (metaphorically as most of her body is silicone) housewife of Salt Lake City was sentenced to six and a half years in prison today. It’s crazy to think you rip off countless elderly people and all of a sudden you’re the bad guy? Does Jen Shah deserve to go to jail for draining a bunch of people’s entire life savings so she can buy counterfeit Louis Vuitton bags? At what point did being a successful she-e-o become illegal?
January 6th: the day it became a crime to defraud old people be a woman. Also, the day it became a crime to storm the capitol. Truly, an iconic day in American history. We all remember climbing the steps, yelling DEATH TO MIKE PENCE with all our closest friends where we were January 6th, 2021. And I don’t know what's funnier: watching it happen or the aftermath. America collectively saw it; we were all there when it happened. Not actually physically there, god I wish, I was on Twitter the entire day watching it live. I had a big pitch for work that day, and just sat there mouth breathing looking at my computer like ??????? Are these Trump supporters really going to storm the Capitol? Granted, Trump did literally say, “right here, we're going to walk down to the Capitol,” but I didn’t expect to watch a bunch of people actually scale the walls of the Capitol.
Now what could be funnier than a bunch of Trump supporters (SUCCESSFULLY) storming the Capitol? The aftermath of it all. The incredible gaslighting of some Republicans who say it didn’t happen. Like… I saw it with my own eyes, it definitely happened. We all watched it in real time, you can’t go back and say it wasn’t Trump supporters?! Honestly though, I strive to be that delusional. “IT wAs ANTIFA,” no babe, we all saw these people in their Trump garb, yelling TRUMP, after going to the Capitol from the TRUMP RALLY where their Daddy literally said “see u at the Capitol, kitty kats!” And you’re trying to tell me they WEREN’T Trump supporters?! Incredible! Ten out of ten! I would kill to be that good at convincing the masses something didn’t happen when we ALL SAW IT HAPPEN! FIVE STARS!!! No notes.
On top of it being Jentencing day and the anniversary of the storming of the Capitol, the two worst people released a podcast episode specifically for all the worst people I know. Joe Rogan and Dave Portnoy. What can be better than listening to these white, super secure in their masculinity, men discuss how the woke agenda is fucking up their life. Because nothing screams “I HAVE A HUGE PENIS,” like those two talking about their lord and savior Elon Musk! Honestly, though, what is it with men these days and their wet dreams for billionaires? Why do you NEED more than a billion dollars? No one should be a billionaire- especially these entitled ugly ass men. If anyone is entitled to that much money it’s the girls and the gays.
If you are a billionaire it means you don’t have any friends, because the moment I get rich I’m taking my friends to Mykonos, we’re getting custom diamond necklaces and I’m buying everyone a Lambo. Money should be spent, wealth should be distributed. Why are you living your life on a pile of cash you’ll never use while there are people going bankrupt to go to the DOCTOR? Just say you have no friends and you’re a bad person! It’s honestly so weird to me, Jeff Bezos even looks like a SUPERVILLAIN and people are still out there like, “ohh YES daddy Bezos pleaseeeee keep exploiting poor people on the off chance maybe one day I’ll be as rich as you ohhh yeah. Make those low income employees work HARDER and don’t give them their fair share of the money, yessss JEFFFFFF!!! Even though I’ll never meet you and you don’t give a shit about anyone, I refuse to let you be taxed.” Have we not seen enough to know it’s always the rich bald ones that turn out to be the bad guy? My god. And you’re telling me it’s the feminists and the homosexuals ruining things when these small penised losers demolish bridges so their superyachts can get through?! Give me a fucking break. Anyways, I’ve decided to finally do something about it once and for all. I am suing Jeff Bezos for $10 billion dollars for stealing my name and likeness, as well as having no friends and being a giant loser.
Till next time,