BLASTERBIRTHDAYS
Happy Birthday to the following Blasterbaters: me, Michael Anderson, Roe v Wade, Ellie, Simon/Jessica, Kohl, Taylor and Jake!
Good afternoon girls, gays, and the few, the proud, the straight, male Blasterbaters!
This is a special edition of Alexa’s Weekly (that’s not always weekly) Email Blast! Since I have not had a chance to blast off these last couple of weeks because all of my friends' parents decided it was a good time to give birth around this time approximately 25 16 years ago! In honor of Aquarius season, this is the first ever, annual bi-weekly edition of BLASTERBIRTHDAYS!!! Actually I just realized I did BlasterBirthdays on my last blast, so this is not the first ever annual BlasterBirthday BUT it is the second. Since sending out my last blast on January 17th (2023), the following birthdays have occurred:
January 20th
I turned 24.5!!! Happy Half Birthday to me!
This is actually one of the biggest days of the year for most people, given its cultural relevance and the impact the 6 month anniversary of my birthday has on the country nay, the WORLD!
Coincidentally, Jan 20th is also Michael Anderson’s birthday.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with Michael, he told me the other day that I was a 6. However, he does send me Minion porn and I really appreciate that.
January 22nd
Happy Birthday to the now deceased Roe v Wade!
While miss thang was brutally murdered by a bunch of unelected virgin nerd men and one bible thumping bitch from Indiana, it’s important to note the significance she had from her birth in 1973, to her unjust and highly unfavorable death on June 24th 2022. Happy Heavenly Birthday Ms Roe v Wade!!! Thank you for giving the American people the right to bodily autonomy for almost 50 years, sorry that a bunch of 5’8 incels axed you.
January 27th
Happy Birthday to one of my oldest friends, ELLIE!
A fun fact about Ellie is that she once asked me where NYU was! Ellie and I grew up going to church together and once when my parents left me at church, her family graciously took in little ‘ole orphaned me. Yes, eventually my mom came back to get me and when she got there she couldn’t stop laughing because she thought it was soooooo funny she left me at church. Another fun fact about Ellie is once this guy kept asking her out but Ellie didn’t want to go out with him because they were second cousins and this man actually texted her, verbatim, “Are you really gonna let the fact that we’re cousins get in between us being together?” Anyways, let’s give it up for ELLIE!!! Happy Birthday L E!!!!!!
January 28th
Happy Birthday to hot Simon, my sexiest friend!
A lot of people don’t know this about my dear Simone, but he is actually Amy Klobuchar’s niece, Jessica! Anytime someone meets Simon for the first time they’re always like, “wow he’s gorgeous.” You can always feel the palpable disappointment whenever I tell my girlfriend’s Simon is gay. Like, yeah, I too would also love to take a seat on Niece Klobs, but alas, he loves cock and would be softer than overcooked pasta if he obliged with my requests to take me to pound town, USA. And yes, Simon is extremely beautiful, but he’s so much more than that. He’s also Amy Klobuchar’s niece.
January 31st
Happy Birthday to my roommate of 6 months, Kohl!
Kohl kicked off the three weekends of themed parties with his emo night birthday! One of my favorite things about Kohl was how he really wanted his party to feel nostalgic of the ones we had as kids, and he achieved that. The cigarettes scattered all over the tables with the drinks took me back to my 7th birthday, when my parents threw me a Marlboro Red themed birthday. Anyways, it was a great night and Jake looked so bad with his black lipstick!!! Happy Birthday KOKO!!!!!
February 5th
Happy Birthday to musical sensation, Taylor Munck!!!
Taylor also helped me when I was orphaned. This year on Thanksgiving she graciously welcomed me into her home, where I got to listen to her dad read the Gettysburg Address (or some other old ass speech) before eating dinner. Listening to her Dad say words like “thou,” “threescore,” “shalt,” and “consecrated,” when I was high as shit waiting to eat some gravy changed the trajectory of my life. Taylor is also a popstar, please stream her music here. I love promoting my friends, because I will 1000% be riding on the coattails of their success. Fun fact, once after we went to The Doheny Room, I made her get into this car with these strangers because they said they were having an afterparty. Turns out it wasn’t an afterparty at all, it was just some creepy horny rich men. However, once we got to their nice apartment, I made them play her music videos on the TV and the scene from 13 Reasons Why she was in. That being said, please stream her music so I don’t have to get in any more cars with strangers!!! Happy Birthday Taylor! I can’t believe we’re going to be Juniors in High School this year!!!!!
February 14th aka today
To conclude BlasterBirthdays, I’d like to wish a Happy Birthday to Jacob Bishop.
For those of you who don’t know Jake, he is my roommate. But he’s so much more than just my roommate. He’s my ex. He’s my current business partner, and one of my biggest haters. He does also serve as my bodyguard, which is great because no one wants to approach me with Jake around when he’s wearing those fucking boots that make him 7 feet tall. Anyway, there’s a lot that I can say about Jake, mostly that a lot of people always say we’re going to live with one another til we die and will raise a family together. And, to that, I say, I fucking hope not. Absolutely noah fence to Jake, but how humiliating would it be to be like “yeah he’s my roommate of over 50+ years.” Like we’ve already lived together for 6+ years, who knows what another 6 will do to my psyche. All jokes aside, I probably would be dead if it weren’t for Jake. Jake would also probably be dead if it weren’t for me (re: time he passed out in the tub when he was playing Enya). You could say we have a very symbiotic relationship: I tell him how to spell basic words and he tells me that I’m being a bitch. We almost got married in Las Vegas, but he got cold feet because he was scared it would fuck up our taxes. And that’s a perfect example of who we are together; I’m really really cool and spontaneous, and he is a giant nerd who goes to bed at 9PM. Unfortunately for me, Jake is a very good person and even though he can be a rule follower, I love him very much and couldn’t imagine my life without him!!! In honor of Jake’s 25th 16th birthday, please consider donating to Rainbow Labs, an organization he volunteers with that benefits queer and gender non-conforming youth. In light of recent events, (trans youth being murdered and anti-trans legislation being passed across the country) it has never been so important to lift up queer voices, and create safe environments for LGBTQ+ youth. Don’t be one of those people that’s like “OMG A TRENDY GAY MAN!!! UR SO FABU CAN U BE MY BEST FRIEND,” then sit idly by while queer people die!!! You cannot be an ally if you do not speak up when you see injustice taking place, and let me tell you- there’s a lot of it. So, if you love Jake, please send him a good ole HBD and consider donating to Rainbow Labs!! If you do not love Jake, which I totally get and understand why, please still consider donating to an organization that empowers the LGTBQ community, but feel free to do it in spite of Jake!!!
Happy Birthday to all my BlasterBaters!!! I love you all, some more than others, but still, I hope you had the best BlasterBirthdays!!!!!!!!!! Also happy Valentine’s day to those who don’t have to celebrate Jake’s birthday today!!
Til next time!!!!